Etude 8 / Of the Now

if i come home to you sitting there one more time
and see that expression on her face again--

*britney pregnant AGAIN by her long-lost cousin
tonight on the SOUP!
-click- who will he choose?*

don't promise again--
how can you actually demand respect?
no more of your fucking excuses.
be a man.


--


he picks up his shoes he straps them on he grabs his keys he shuffles out the door
then his shoe trips against a rock but he catches himself, managing not to fall
he takes 12 steps from the house to the driveway
he gets in his girlfriend's car and closes the door
they drive to church five over the speed limit
he gets out of the car and closes the door
he takes 53 steps to the sanctuary
A inquires after his health and B asks when he's proposing
and he fields these questions again politely with a graceful smile
he sits down and flips open his Bible to Isaiah
pages shuffle softly against fingertips
children squirm babies whimper people whisper
mouths sound too loud gross shut up
he turns the hymnal to number 143
muffled wails of colicky infants in the cry room

fuck off, narrator! shut the fuck up!

he puts down the hymnal and quietly extricates himself
ignoring the concerned look from his girlfriend
he hurries outside in 28 long strides
he tries to pray in the cold windy parking lot
but can't hear over himself

what the fuck is wrong with me? why is this happening?

seeing a latecomer sail into the parking lot,
he retreats to the far side of the building out of plain sight
counts the contents of his wallet
and thinks about his last trip to the liquor store.